Talent vs Passion

This has been a theme of today, starting with a speech made at Toastmasters (much too) early this morning, concluding with a conversation with one of my friends outside of a bar in the crisp Denver night air, accompanied by the Denver skyline. To make a string of long thoughts short: I believe in passion and never, ever losing it. Maybe its focus will shift from one area to another during the course of a person's life, but to lose it is to forfeit life.

Onto other items that have been bouncing around in my head and really need to be put to rest... Not sure where I read it, but it's probably common knowledge that one of people's biggest fears is not being missed when they're gone. My fears about going to Italy were previously centered around what everything will be like there; now they are turning into thoughts of what it will be like to take a leave of absence from this life that I am very well settled into. I'd be lying to say that I'm not afraid of not being missed. I am a little. What kind of difference have I made to those who know me? The answer to that is a tough pill to swallow.

I've been living last month and this one very purposefully, trying to make every activity count, trying to maximize the quality time with everyone that I possibly can. And I know I'm coming up short, but it's been a conscious effort. I like the looming deadline of leaving. I like deadlines, in general.

It is such an odd place to be, knowing you're on your way out. I'm in a no-man's land of sorts. Wrapping up my life here, trying desperately not to take on new commitments, new friends, new anything. And that is difficult for me to do. With each passing activity, I get closer to the people here and I know how much I'll miss them. Or maybe it's that I'm appreciating every conversation more, every moment with every single person more...

Yeah, I know this is rambling and this is possibly disconcerting to those reading. But I'm desperately trying to capture what I'm thinking and feeling right now in this moment of pretty major change. That's the other thing that's becoming more real the more I talk about it: the desire to have a big career change when I get back. Ha, should I use the word "career"? I don't want a career. It's like a bad word to me. I want a vocation, hopefully something that pays the bills but brings true fulfillment. Along with everything else I expect to pick up by living in Italy, this is something else that I will be actively searching for and turning over every rock in my path to find.