Tuesday I made it back to Upstate NY - this is the place where I started my adult life and it had become somewhat of a dreamland in my mind as it had been so many years since I've been here. I've spent a few thoughts thinking back to this little wonderful place and missing it to a degree--as I always said that I knew I belonged back here when I lived here before so to leave definitely wasn't in keeping with what I felt. (The move was supposed to be temporary, there were other factors. Long story.) There are a lot of very special places here that set this part of the country apart. For others it may be different, but for me, it's a best-of sort of place.
Who would guess that this is the place to eat well - I've been all over the country looking for a co-op as good as the Honest Weight Food Co-op (HWFC) found in Albany. The HWFC is the best. And they've expanded significantly since I was there last (years ago). This is a place that practices what it preaches, is fueled by the community caring about local sources of natural foods. It's what people think they're buying when they go to Whole Foods. But this is the real deal. They've kept their standards high, prices low and they've been profitable enough to move locations in now what should be a year or less.
So that's the place to buy groceries. Period.
I wrote most of this blog in Saratoga Springs in a fantastic coffee shop & bagel store. Since the last time I was here, it's doubled its size. Located right across the street from Starbucks, it's thriving. They roast their own beans & the coffee is good. Not sure I ever drank their coffee before, but I've enjoyed their tea and bagels immensely.
But before I came here, it was necessary to stop at the Four Seasons, a small health food store. It's fairly average except for its vegan salad/food bar. It's the best lunch and dinner. So I picked up some to-go food for the drive home. I've had countless meals at that place.
There's nothing too remarkable -on paper- about living where I used to. It's a quiet place (now I have Boston to compare it to...I see how much quieter and simpler it is here). Something I needed to figure out during this trip is why I have so often thought back to life here and wondered if I should have ever left. I know the answer to the question: absolutely. I did the right thing. I wouldn't be in Boston now had I not left. It's good to live close to here. I am thrilled I'm a short 3-hr drive. It's an easy drive, so long as it's possible to get out of Boston traffic. It's a nice life, to be sure. I have been able to sort out the reality from the dream...well, maybe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12/8 - Now to resume the blog! FINALLY. I've been dying to get back here, but with too much going on at work, this has had to take a back seat. When I get time away from the shop, the last thing I want to be doing is writing. Reading has catapulted to the top of my list, actually. It's something I've missed very much and once I got out of the nearly-perfect rhythm of my Denver loft life, I haven't been able to get back in sync since. This past Tuesday I had the day off from work. I promised myself I wouldn't get out of bed for hours so I could read. My plan was interrupted, but I did make reasonable progress. Every day is about making progress, I've learned to accept that I can't make a full change in anything instantly for many reasons.
One question that I've been working on answering since I've been living a rather unsettled life is what makes a place home. When I lived in upstate NY, I felt like I was home and at home. When I was in Seattle (Bainbridge), my life situation was similar, but I wasn't home. It never quite felt right. I never missed that part of my life after I left it. Was that a mental attitude I had toward the place? I went with an open mind & moved there without ever having seen the place before. And no, I wasn't going in scared about the stories of all of the rain.
For a few reasons, I never really had close friends in Seattle. One of those reasons was that I lived a very long way from work and I did have friends there - but none I could spend any non-work time with. In NY, I made true friends. This is likely a big reason for the difference. But was there something about the Seattle itself that prohibited me from calling it home?
Denver was easy to call home because it was home. I think there's a special relationship anyone has with the place they were raised. I remember the one or two days every summer Mom would take me and my brother to downtown Denver. It was typically the highlight of the summer. The best part was when the sun would go down on us as we were walking around town - through the sometimes scary streets and sketchy neighborhoods. To catch a glimpse of the Denver skyline at night was absolute beauty. I got cold chills being there and seeing the silhouetted buildings. Just thinking about them now gives me the same cold chills. Back in those days, I didn't care much for nature, but I loved the city.
Italy was a whole different story. I started getting into "nesting" mode when I got to Italy. Basically, after traveling for such an extended period of time, it felt like it was time to settle down. It would have been easy for me to stay there for a very long time except that I got deathly homesick right around this time last year. I had friends and a good community there so for the time I was there, it was home-like. I still never felt perfectly comfortable due to the language barrier and the fact that it was devoid of my U.S. family and friends. The ocean is too big and not being able to drive to/from my family really didn't feel good. On top of everything, the political situation there makes the U.S. look like a perfect system. I really started to appreciate what we have in the U.S. more than ever. And it felt good to miss my family so much. Life is not a string of high moments. The melancholy sprinkled in with awesome times gives life its flavor and depth. My time in Italy can definitely be characterized with more emotional highs and lows as I tried to make a life there truly from scratch.
Now this brings us to the present day of life in Boston. Last year at this time I could never have dreamed that I would be here now. It's Dec. 8th. and not that many days from Christmas. This year I'm going to try to suck it up and be here on Christmas. I love being in Denver at my folks' place on Christmas. There's nothing like it. I have been there almost every Christmas since I was born. Same family room, almost the same tree.
My relationship with Boston remains uncharacterized so far. I don't have words to explain my experience here yet. Boston has a personality all its own; it's like a quiet, attractive introvert--it takes some time to peel back its layers to truly get to its heart and understand what it really is--and discover what it is exactly that makes it attractive. Many of these types of people live in Boston...a lot of really intelligent people whose life stories are all interesting and not even remotely obvious from a casual conversation.
The cost of Boston is frustrating. After living very comfortably for years, I have to live with others in a cold house to afford to live. Fortunately, the company of others keeps me from getting too lonely and it's good for me to not be too comfortable. Every day I make a conscious decision that I am living the life I want to live not the life that is simply too comfortable that changing it would be the hard thing to do. Slipping back to my old Denver life would be so easy, there wouldn't be challenge in it. I miss my friends and family there, but I'm not stagnated by this. It is what it is. Again, experiencing the various emotions associated with being in a new place, removed from the comfort of knowing people and places (and the roads!) is part of the human experience. I don't have a comfort zone established here yet where I can get a hug anytime I need it and sometimes I do really need a hug--like everyone. This lack of external comfort helps me step back and ground myself in things interior, not in others. It's a chance to get to know more deeply my faith, God and self. And it certainly helps me appreciate those who do give me a hand when they don't realize they are offering one. I've always been surrounded by really good people and here is definitely no exception. I am really, really thankful for the wonderful people I've met and had a chance to spend time with in my life and I regularly remember how very, very lucky I am.
This is something like the 20th blog post I've written on many of these topics but I have yet to publish any of them as they ended up unfinished--without conclusion or graceful end. This one I'm posting. Someday it'll be interesting to go back and read. It's possible someone will read this and relate. I should have gone to bed hours ago but I've needed to put these thoughts down in some sort of coherent form; it has needed to happen for quite a long time. So I'm just going to keep writing, feel free to stop reading.
Why I always end up taking the hardest path is not clear. I believe it comes down to boredom avoidance. When every day is easy and fun, it's also boring and accomplishing great things only comes after big challenges have been overcome. I tend to force myself to do the things that I know will scare me. And no, I won't be jumping out of a plane anytime soon, but you get the point. Nothing that worthwhile is obtained very easily. When I say this, I'm talking more about everything but my personal relationships. If there's one thing I don't like it's tricky personal situations. In fact, I avoid them like the plague. I've been fortunate to have an almost drama-free life. I welcome a simple, easy personal life that is constant day-to-day. Right now, it's easy being alone--the one way to guarantee a drama-free existence. Eventually, though, it makes sense to incorporate someone else into the day-to-day. As much as I try to convince myself that I should stay single forever, it doens't quite feel right. So we'll see what the future holds. I'm not worrying about it or trying to engineer it, though I'd be lying to say I don't think about it and what I want it to look like.
The one thing I have yet to mention is work. Work is the greatest part of my life right now and it consumes almost all of my waking time. I like it this way. I can't say for sure that I'll always want it to be all-consuming, but I feel that if it weren't, it would be hard to do it well enough to feel good about it. Right now I can say I'm giving it everything I have to give and when I take time off, it's only to ensure proper focus and energy for when I'm back at it. What I'm doing now is partially everything I have ever wanted (awesome team, creative freedom, ability to take ownership, cool toys (in this case it's bikes), hands-on work, not sitting at a computer) and partially everything I've always tried to avoid (sales, long hours, retail). This odd mix makes for the perfect job for me and I relish it every day. In every tricky situation, I learn so much and it's finally a place where all of the theory presented in business books has real application. Finally. Now I read what I can but do wish there were more time to do so. I'm having fun, am constantly challenged and really appreciating the times when it's appropriate to just laugh out loud to break the intensity.
With that, you've heard the very latest and I have finally been able to put my thoughts in logical enough order to publish them. Thank you for the chance to do so, I somehow feel significantly better now than when I started this back on the 16th of November. Good night and good luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment